“…not on my castle on a cloud.”
There was no hope left for me. After so much loneliness, a girl can only take so much. In this world, I am lost, and nobody loves me enough to try to find me. Getting into my mind is like solving a puzzle with pieces missing. I know now you would be shocked at me, but I’ve made tough choices before, and this is one of them. There were times long ago when I might have been able to recover, times when I almost smiled. But now, I have withdrawn into myself, asking, “why?” And suddenly, many things I’ve never noticed before are up in my face. I am lost inside my own mind, and I can’t get out. My emotions are all mixed-up inside, and I know they want to get out. But, a warning bell rings inside me, and numbness takes over, and I feel the tears coming. No matter how much I want to be loved, I can’t speak. Behind this barrier is a heart that is contained from the outside world. A cold heart, which yearns to be warmed. A heart that aches with loneliness. A heart that no one will ever understand.
I turned from my mirror, looking away at the image that claimed to be me. I had put up a mask for so long, I couldn’t take it off any more, even for myself. I hadn’t eaten in days, and it was beginning to show. My pale face had turned a lighter shade, reminding me of paste. I never tanned, and neither did my brother, Dib. Now fourteen, he hadn’t changed a bit since he was ten. My father cares less about me than microscopic particles, which neglects my lonely heart. Dib seemed to get the better side of it, as Dad always had like him better because of his interest in Science. What made matters worse was when he didn’t bother to hide his favoritism. Sometimes I think Dad even forgets my name. Well, I’ll show him. I’ll show everybody. I’ll do something he’ll never forget, the last day of his life, he’ll remember. He’ll remember the day that his daughter Gaz had taken her own life.
Dib woke up. He had heard singing, and he was always a light sleeper. After mommy left, daddy stayed up all night singing him to sleep. So, five-year-old Dib followed the noise to his sister’s room, and was surprised to hear the innocent, pure song flowing from her, as she tried to sing herself to sleep. Gaz had always been the serious type of girl, not really the kind who would ever sing. But curious, he leaned an ear against the door, holding his teddy in both arms, and felt lured by the enrapturing, sweet melody.
“There is a castle on a cloud
I like to go there in my sleep
Aren’t any floors for me to sweep
Not on my castle on a cloud.”
Presently, Dib was in a state of dread. “Gaz!” he whimpered, and rushed to her side, catching her hand in his own, his eyes streaming tears, fogging up his glasses. Gaz’s sheets were soaked from the blood that spurted from her wrists. He felt wracked with pain all over, feeling his heart throbbing wildly against his chest, afraid he was already too late.
Gaz’s memories were dim, and fading away, but still, she could remember that song she had been singing so long ago. A far way away, she sensed, rather than felt, Dib’s hand holding hers, and her dark violet eyes, like pools reflecting the sparkling stars, looked into his confused, amber ones. And she closed her eyes, and willed him to understand. The cries of the dark found her, pulled toward her, and the whole world swayed before her.
“There is a room that’s filled with toys
There are a hundred boys and girls
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not on my castle on a cloud.”
I remember.
I remember going to school for the first time, being avoided, laughed at, and being beaten up by bullies because I was different from everybody else.
I remember coming home crying to my dad, because Mom had gone by then and Dib didn’t care. And that’s when I found out that Dad didn’t really care, either.
I remember, not having any friends.
I remember when I had to sit next to Dib every day at lunch, or I would be eating alone.
I remember loneliness being my greatest fear.
I remember how my fear consumed me.
I remember how nobody cared.
I am glad that it will be all over soon.
“There is a lady, all in white
Holds me and sings a lullaby
She’s nice to see, and she’s soft to touch
She says, Gazette, I love you very much…”
When had I ever been called ‘Gazette’ instead of Gaz? I remember now, my mother. Her voice was so soft and sweet. The only person who really loved me had been my mother. Now that she was gone, what should I do? It was meaningless without love. Life was nothing more than that. I know I’ve made the right choice. The darkness is seeming to close over me…welcoming me…into its’ evil embrace…
“Gaz, no.” sobbed Dib. He had called an ambulance, but it hadn’t arrived yet. Dad was away for the day giving a presentation. Gaz is pretty smart, he thought. She planned this…how could he have not noticed? She was so depressed…
Gaz seemed to sigh then, squeezing his hand so delicately, and looked over. She had to say it, force it through that barrier of pain…and she did, a small smile formed on her pale lips, reassuring him.
“Dib…do you remember…that song…I sang…”
“Of course.” He said softly. “You’ve always had such a beautiful voice…” he choked upon a lump forming in his throat.
Gaz began to sing her song. Her voice was the same as it had been, but so much weaker, so painful now, it almost hurt to hear her now. Dib joined her, two voices sweetly together, perfectly matched. A single tear streamed down Gaz’s left eye, reflecting the moon that shone full and luminous outside her window.
“I know a place where no one’s lost
I know a place where no one cries.
Crying at all is not allowed…”
Dib reached out and wiped the single tear from her face, suddenly still, and he took a
shuddering breath, and finished by himself...
Email: Cosmic Rhapsody